Inner Me

Have you ever walked down the street and become suddenly aware of the jiggle of your tummy? Or the wobble of your thighs? Or the spot on the side of your face? Or your regrowth? Or your teeth? Or your feet? Or the blind pimples on your forehead? Or those fine wrinkles around your eyes? I know I have.

I am one of those women whose husband seems to get better looking with age... Me? Not so much. Now I know that there will be a group of friends that will instantly text, email or PM me and give me their 5 cents worth (for some probably $10 worth) and I love that they see past all of that but I don't see what they see.

I have moved to a place where the people are (generally speaking) blonde, toned, tanned and wearing very little. I love this place and the lifestyle (again speaking generally) and I love that they are healthy and happy. That is the life that I want for my girls. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I think that my girls are perfect just the way they are and I think that my husband is perfect the way he is (although sometimes I wish he was less argumentative- am 100% sure he'd say the same) but I want them to be outdoors and enjoying the world. I don't want them tucked on a lounge in front of the television. I certainly DON'T want them to be standing on scales and calorie counting but I want them to be active and healthy. I am sure that all mothers want that for their children.

Although I have a broken toe (and should have learnt the first time) I decided yesterday to go for a walk to Mooloolaba from our house (nice 7.2km walk). The heat and sun didn't bother me. The pain from the shoe squishing my toe didn't hurt me. HOWEVER the reflection in the shop window bothered me. OMG when I left the house I felt a little bloated (chocolate coma will do that to you) and I was a little self conscious of the outfit I was wearing but HOLY CRAP! DO I REALLY LOOK THAT BAD????? Side on I looked like the bulb from a lily... Thin and then all of a sudden a round bulb.

I am a typical woman. I put on weight (and hold it) around my tummy, abdomen, bottom and thighs. When I got married I was a happy size 10-12. Now don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone but me (I also blame myself for B's weight gain). We moved to PH in WA and I thought whoo hoo- its hot and I am not going to want to eat anything but fruit and salad... pfft... and drink beer and wine and soft drink and eat from the local pub (all deep fried) and eat crisps. Where the hell did the original plan go?? Being in a mining town (a boys town) you did drink and you did party and you did socialise a lot more than you ever did. After all, you have the money to do it.

Then I got pregnant with Miss 2.5, by the end of the pregnancy I was 300grams from tipping the 100 mark!!! I know that some of this was pregnancy weight but I also know that a HUGE amount of it was the lifestyle I was living... My portion sizes totally flew out the window, along with my self control and I met this thing called emotional eating. Every time something went wrong, I ate. when I wasn't pregnant, I used to pour a glass of wine or sit on the patio with a beer (and cigarette). Now the smoking I quit, as soon as I saw those two little blue lines (admittedly I have had 3 cigarettes in the last 2.5 years).

So, walking through Mooloolaba I suddenly became aware of the jiggling of my thighs under my Lorna Jane shorts and the bulge or my tummy over the waistband and the constricting tightness of the top that I was wearing. I became aware of the stretchmarks, lack of makeup and how unhealthy my skin looked. I wanted the earth to open up and transport me somewhere very very very remote... where no one else could see me. After pointing out how horrific I looked B would say "you're thinner than her" and I would scoff at him. Then I would point to another lady and say "she is thinner than me" and he would look at me and say "you're deluded". Now in NO WAY am I criticising anyone else's weight... I look at other people and see that they are happy and healthy in their own skin. Because I see that, I perceive thinness. Unless they are Big Kev off Biggest Loser I don't see overweight. B thinks I am a crazy woman but in my head I make sense. Plus I am much more objective hidden in my home in front of my computer typing about it all. I know that I am doing this. I know that I am feeling this but I am not changing it. I am sure that I live in one of the healthiest parts of Australia and I am not actively making a change. I see Bella running around and I fear that I am setting a bad example. This seasons Biggest Loser series is proof that our eating habits and choices affect our children. I want my daughters (and sons) to love themselves, to be active and healthy, to be happy. I feel like if they follow my footsteps they won't.

The other key to being beautiful and feeling happy is to make an effort with your appearance. Now I haven't worn makeup in weeks and I haven't painted my nails in months and spending time on my hair... pffft... I had to be pushed out the front door a fortnight ago by my mother in law to have my first haircut since my baby shower in 2012. 1 year ago.

So having said all of this. What am I going to do about it you ask? Meh, I feel like succumbing to this crap and then I re read what I have write and I am like... Really? Is this what you want? NO! I want my wedding body back. I have two BEAUTIFUL sisters and a STUNNING mother and an INSPIRATIONAL father and I am going to channel their amazingness (yes I know that isn't a word) and I am going to channel their unwavering love for me just the way I am (Bridget Jones- come at me). Now I know that I have stretch marks and I sag in places I never sagged before (Bra hunting is dsitressing) but I am nearly...um... well I am nearly at that next milestone (I was born in 1983) and I need to make this change now. We want more children. I want more children. I want to be able to wear a pair of skinny jeans and not have my thighs rub. I want to wear dresses and not have the waist seam of my dress sit out horizontally. I want to be able to wear a bikini to the beach without layering t shirts and boardies over top.

Now I am not confident enough to put up before photos BUT I am ready to properly make this change and with the help of my Weight Watchers cookbooks, salad cookbooks and my Lose Baby Weight e book. I am going to do this. I know that it isn't about the quick fix. That isn't why I am doing this. The weight loss will be confidence boosting but it is more about the lifestyle. It will be about setting a good example for my children and giving them the best start. Now I am not going to claim that I am never going to eat chocolate, or chips, or have a glass of wine (I'd be kidding myself if I said that). I AM going to stop at one serving, I AM going to exercise more (even just walking the girls to the park), I AM going to drink 100% more water (daily) seeing as I might have 3 glasses of water a week, I AM going to make more of an effort in my appearance and I AM going to forgive myself (over and over again). So having said all of that. I am going to take some photos (which I am not putting up yet), I am going out tomorrow and buying some weight scales, I am going to measure the jiggly bits and I am going to make myself accountable.

Hopefully it helps me. And my family.

I know that some of you may (or may not) feel the same way and if you want to do the same thing... Join me. I am happy to support you and I would love the encouragement. Its about getting off the couch and walking 30 mins. Its about cutting down the portions. Its about loving yourself.

Keep smiling.

L
xxx